When I first started this blog I was fractured. I had divided myself into parts so I could choose who received which part. There were too many people who weren't safe to offer my whole self to. Especially my spiritual self. That I protected most fiercely.
As I've healed, I've learned that it's not about whether others are safe or not. It's about being safe within myself. It's about bringing all those pieces back together to create the whole me. It's about believing that all those pieces are important and make me who I am. It's about believing that the whole me is good enough to offer to the world. To not have shame for what I've experienced. To believe in what I've learned enough to shout it to the world. To not feel like I have to apologize for who I am.
Like a broken vase, the big parts of me have been glued back together. There are still visible cracks and tiny chips that will never be found, but for the most part I am whole. Whole enough to serve my purpose. To do what I was meant to do.
A vase holds water. Water that sustains the life of cut flowers. Water that allows those flowers to offer their beauty to the world.
I can hold water again. I can help sustain others. I can help others offer their beauty to the world. And I can offer my own.
I don't need this blog like I used to. I am not hiding parts of myself from the world anymore. I will leave it up because these few posts contain parts of my testimony that I was afraid to share. These parts of me matter. Sharing our souls matters.
But I don't need to write here anymore. I am confident in offering my story to the world, including the people I know. I don't think I'll post here again.
I will continue to write. I will continue to document my healing and my testimony. But I will do so on my main blog, The Mess that is My Life. If you would like to follow my healing and learn with me, I invite you to follow me there. The next post I'll publish will be my husband's story. He wrote about being an abusive husband and what he's learned and how he's grown. It will go up in a day or two.
I won't be writing here, but I am not going away. I still long to help others. I still want to listen and strengthen when I can. I still want to testify.
Thank you for sharing in the spiritual parts of my journey. It helped to know I wasn't alone.